The Hanged Man

This card indicates its time for a pause. It’s a moment to surrender to what it happening, rather than staying attached to what you expected and to release old patterns that no longer serve you.

Grasp On

For as long as I can remember, when I sense a friend pulling away, my instinct is to grasp on like a vice on a workbench. An unanswered text sends me down a crevasse of wondering. Did I do something? Are they mad at me? How do I fix it? Is it too late? Do they already hate me? After 24 hours of unanswered correspondence, I search for a chill way to address the silence. It could be a funny meme or a follow-up on plans, and if there really is no organic way back in, I will say, “Everything ok?” I blame my anxious attachment for this tendency, whose hallmarks include fear of rejection and abandonment, jealousy, and questioning my own self-worth. But here is what I’ve noticed over the years: the more I have followed the instinct to reach out when I think someone is not into me anymore, the more anxious I get.

Recently, I’ve been sitting on my hands when I get this feeling. Literally, I sit on my own hands so as not to text, dm, email, or call someone when they don’t answer. I check in with my husband, Jason, before making any moves. I wait, and I wait, and I wait. More often than not, people are just busy with their own lives, and they respond when they have time. On the rare occasion something is left unanswered because someone is actually pissed at me, well, most of the time, they let me know when they are ready. It’s not easy just doing nothing, but a lot has changed since I started doing it.

The initial feeling is still always there. An inkling of something not quite right. The little hairs on the top of my ears perk up, and a shiver runs down the back of my neck, and I think, “I must have fucked up.” But now, instead of impulsively acting on a feeling that lasts about 3 seconds, I stop, pause, and reflect. Does this feeling make sense, given the situation with this particular person? Usually, the answer is no. I know where this feeling comes from; my absent dad, my mom distracted by a full-time demanding job when I was a child, needing to support our family, and a general lack of attunement from caregivers when I was young. I take some deep breaths and tell myself the same thing every time. This person has earned your trust and their place in your life, you have no reason to doubt them. You have no reason to question their love for you.

For the past few years, I have taken the two minutes I just described to soothe myself, and now when this feeling makes its self known I let it lie. This can be harder when there is a preexisting strain in the relationship, but even then, I try to trust that if someone is upset, they will let me know. It takes a bit of work, self-reflection, and talking myself down, but ultimately, I am growing to be more trusting and believe I am worth returning to.

Does this card inspire a story in you? If it does, I want to hear it!