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Burnt Out
When I start waking up and not wanting to get out of bed, I know it's been too long since my last real break. What is a real break, you ask? It is when you do the stuff that replenishes your spirit, things that are just for you, nothing obligatory. Generally, I'm one of those irritating people who organically wakes up at 5am, pops out of bed, puts on the coffee, and gets to it. I spend a whole hour reading my horoscopes, playing the NYT games (no spelling bee, but all the rest), meditating and pulling my tarot for the day. By 6am, I will be working out, lifting weights with a 30 minute cardio dance class to warm up, a HIIT workout, or a walk run. Then I take a 2-mile beach walk. This routine rounds out before 9am. I'm not trying to brag; I'm just saying I'm an up-and-at-em kinda lady, and when that drive goes away, it is a strong indicator that burnout has begun to set in.
Burnout is not just being tired or over what you do every day; it is a type of exhaustion experienced when we are too long fatigued (emotionally, mentally, or physically). Unfortunately, in helping professions, this happens all too often, "Like many other roles that involve helping people, providing psychological therapy can be a challenging and emotionally taxing line of work" (Delgadillo et al., 2018, p. 1). I came to understand over my first 5 years of practice that you could avoid the dreaded feelings that come with this affliction; frustration, fatigue, boredom, stress, and the worst, lacking empathy by taking consistent and well-timed breaks. For me that’s one week off every quarter, and I have to do something novel during them to make it really shift my state.
In a perfect world where I can control everything, this works great. I don't know if you live in that kind of world, but sadly, I don't. Shit comes up that gets in the way of my well-timed vacations. Things like illness, accidents, emergency surgery, births, deaths, and various other human experiences that we all must attend to. Sometimes, burnout happens even when we try our absolute darnedest to outrun it, and when it does, it is excruciating.
Here's how I've seen the burnout cycle go down. The frustration causes anxiety. Anxiety leads to insomnia. Being tired makes you cranky. The cranky makes you on edge. You try to overcompensate and be more patient and more empathetic, only to snap when someone doesn't get it. Mostly, you keep it together at work, but in your personal life, those relationships close to you are beaten to hell by your inability to talk, laugh, be present, or just keep your cool. All of this makes you feel like a crap person. But then there is a light at the end of the tunnel, a trip you planned 6 months ago that is now three weeks away. All you have to do is make it three weeks. Three weeks of pushing through the workouts, meditating even when your mind wanders, and keeping cool with people even when the slightest provocation makes you breathe fire at them. You have done it before, and you will do it again. Go into survival mode. Do only what is necessary. Just persist by talking to your therapist, reading what inspires you, and when all else fails and you want to act out, be silent and supportive.
For the most part, I've noticed as much as I fear acting out during a bout of burnout, it's mostly just me who suffers because I am a professional, and if push comes to shove, I'll cancel sessions before I start being a terror. But the feelings suck; they make you feel confused, tired, chaotic, and angry, and nobody loves those feelings. The good news is I can see when it's coming, and I know that if I can't take a break immediately, it's time to slow down and proceed with care. Maybe now that you have read this essay, you can too.
Writing Prompt: Think about a time you had to put yourself in survival mode. What prompted it? How did you get through to the other side? What was that experience like for you?
Recommended Reading:
But How Are You Really? By Ella Dawson
Rest is Resistance By Tricia Hersey
References:
https://positivepsychology.com/therapist-burnout/
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/burnout-symptoms-signs
https://www.verywellmind.com/stress-and-burnout-symptoms-and-causes-3144516